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 The Long Road Home  

 Fruit of the Vine(Husbandman and Gardener enter carrying large plant -- third actor plays plant) HUSBANDMAN: That looks like a great place right up there. GARDENER: Perfect. We'll plant him there where he'll get lots of sunlight and moisture. The perfect place. (They move the plant to the front and place it upright, stretching out its arms, tamping down the dirt around its feet.) GARDENER: Okay, little plant, you grow and grow, and make us proud. HUSBANDMAN: Oh yeah, this one will produce tons of fruit. You just wait and see. GARDENER: Let's get those other plants dug in before summer gets here. (then speaks to new plant) We'll be back to check on you. You just keep thinking about me, okay? (They exit.) PLANT: (bored, it yawns, glances around, looks at its raised hands, and then whistles a little, yawns again) HUSBANDMAN: (returning) Well let's see how well our new plant is getting on... GARDENER: Oh I'm sure it's doing great. (They see the plant. The plant ignores them, bored.) HUSBANDMAN: Well, this doesn't look good. GARDENER: Don't worry, I'll devote some extra time to it. It's going to pick up, you'll see. HUSBANDMAN: Oh well, I'll meet you over at the other acre . . . some harvesting to get done down there. (exits) GARDENER: Come on, little plant. Concentrate on me. As long as you focus on me, you will live. (pets and grooms the plant's hands) I'll see to it that you get all the best nutritional supplements, the best soil -- you just focus on me, okay? PLANT: (smiles, the grooming feels great) GARDENER: I'll be back soon! Now just keep focused. (exits) PLANT: (concentrating focusing suddenly looks down, moves a hand and removes a tiny cluster of grapes from its belly the plant hangs out the cluster and is quite pleased with the fruit, smiling and looking very self contented, very proud of the tiny fruit) GARDENER: (returning) Oh look! Now its on the right track look, FRUIT! HUSBANDMAN: (looking over the fruit dubiously) Yes, but pretty tiny. Pruning shears! They produce scissors and begin working away on the plant, pruning away useless twigs and foliage. PLANT: (outraged, looking on with horror as they cut away on him -- the plant howls in pain and frustration) Owww! OUCH! OOOOOH! OOOWWW! Ouch! OOOOWWWW! (They finish, nodding, and exit.) GARDENER: (calls over shoulder) Concentrate, little plant. FOCUS! PLANT: (looks a little dubious, then reaches into belly and produces bigger cluster of grapes! The plant is amazed, comparing the tiny fruit to the large fruit now he is not so proud, but more amazed that this came out of himself! After a moment, he produces a larger, even more impressive cluster of grapes he smiles hugely and places the largest fruit in his teeth, and stands heavy with fruit) GARDENER: (entering, very excited) Well look who has flourished after the pruning! HUSBANDMAN: (gathering the fruit) Wonderful! I'm very proud of you little plant. GARDENER: (gathering the fruit) Now this plant has finally given over, and is now abiding in us! HUSBANDMAN: Shall we move him to the garden at our mansion? GARDENER: That's just what I was thinking! (They dig the plant up by the roots. The plant is shocked, for suddenly he realizes he is not a plant anymore!) PLANT: What in the world? What did you do? I can talk now! You made me real! I'm not even a plant anymore! HUSBANDMAN: (hugging the plant) Silly! A plant. Imagine that. You're our son! GARDENER: (escorting the "plant") Come on, we have so much to show you! You have a whole new world to discover. Now you will abide with us forever.

    (a man sits on stage in his living room, watching TV, surfing through the channels, busily working his remote control, completely engrossed)   (clicks through many channels, pauses on a sports program, roots for a few moments, moves onto a comedy and laughs and laughs, then searches many more channels, listens to a political talk show and gets angry with the commentator, then goes through several more channels with varied and conflicting emotions -- finally settles on some show that captivates him, he lowers the remote to the arm of his chair)   (entering, carrying a doll, engrossed in some inner dialogue, tilting her doll back and forth, she comes and sits near her father's foot) Papa? How come dolls close their eyes when you put them backwards like this?   (glances away from TV for a moment, looks at daughter briefly, glances at doll, then looks back to the TV) Huh?   I said how come dolls close their eyes?   (engrossed by the screen) Yeah. Uh-huh.   (exasperated, grabs her father's leg and shakes it) How come? How come? Papa, how come?   (shows a little exasperation) Don't you have homework?   (rolls her eyes) It's SUMMER, Papa, I don't GOT homework in the summer!   (without looking away from screen) I don't HAVE homework in the summer!   (gives father an incredulous look) OF COURSE you don't got homework in the summer! You got out of school a long, long, long time ago! Papa, did they even HAVE schools way back when you were a kid?   I think your Mama is calling you...   Well you must have GREAT ears, because she's at the MALL! (she looks back at the TV) What are you watching, Papa?   (immediately changes channel) Oh! It was some documentary on the Documentary Channel, really boring...   But why were those ladies walking around in their underwear?   Oh! They were just going over the history of . . . FASHION. Um, now what were you talking about? You said your doll has homework about why the eye closes?   (plays with her doll some more) Papa? Do you love me?   (goes back to channel surfing) Of course, Sweetheart.   (thinking) Would you ever make me go somewhere where some bad people were gonna kill me?   Of course not.   (thinking) God must have didn't loved Jesus very much.   (disturbed, half looks away from TV thinking) WHAT did you just say?   (she doesn't answer, just keeps playing with her doll, but she seems upset)   (finally turns his attention completely to his daughter) Did you just say that God didn't love Jesus?   (sad) It's in the Bible. God sent Jesus to here, and everybody killed Him. You wouldn't send me to a place where people were gonna kill me. Because you love me.   (ashamed and feeling guilty) No, no -- oh no, Sweetheart. Come here... (takes her by the hand and sets her on his knee) That doesn't mean that God didn't love His Son. You know, He's such a better Father than I am. (glances guiltily at the TV -- pointedly, aims the remote control and ZAPs the TV) In fact, sometimes I'm not such a great father, at all...   But why would He send Him here to get killed?   Jesus WANTED to come here. We know that the biggest, most powerful love in the world is when someone is willing to die for another person -- that's how much Jesus loves you. That's how much GOD loves us. I bet it broke God's heart to send His only Son here to die. It was probably the hardest thing in the world . . . the hardest thing in heaven. But that's how much God loves us . . . we are His kids.   (thinking) So its kinda like if my baby brother Toby was in danger, you might let me go and save him, because he's so little and wimpy? You'd let me go and die to save him?   (thinking, becoming emotional) I don't -- well, I guess . . . I mean... (thinks hard, stares into his daughter's face)   Would you let me die, Papa?   (grabs his daughter and hugs her to him hard) Sweetheart, I don't know if I'm that good of a father. God is such a better Father than I am, He's so much better than me...

  A Gift with No Strings Attached (two STRINGERs, stroll up center aisle, excitedly) STRINGER #1: This is so exciting! I can't believe ANOTHER gift! Oooh, I love gifts! I love gifts! STRINGER #2: You SURE that's why God called us up here? You SURE it's a gift? I mean, what if it's something else? I mean, what if it's more WORK? STRINGER #1: What a downer! Do you always have to be such a pessimist? Just THINK of all the wonderful things He has done for us, all the wonderful gifts! Just think of Grace -- dontcha think that is a pretty good gift? STRINGER #2: Oh yeah, Grace is good. I definitely like Grace. (yawning) But I definitely don't want any more burdens... THE LORD: (meets them at the front) Hello, My children. I have something very special for you today! STRINGER #1: (smugly, to #2) SEE! I told you! STRINGER #2: (aside, sarcastically) I hope it's a VACATION, or at least a HOLIDAY... THE LORD: (produces Golden Apple with a flourish) This is for you, My children... STRINGERS #1 & #2: (eyes bugging out, enchanted, gasping) WOW! It's beautiful! I've never seen anything like it before! (Stringer #2 goes to BITE Golden Apple) THE LORD: (pulls back Golden Apple) Don't BITE it! This is for remembrance. This is for you to remember Me. To remember that I created you. And it is also a symbol so that you will always remember that someday soon we will be together forever! STRINGER #1: (takes Golden Apple, is very moved, very choked up) Thank you, Lord! It is sooooo beautiful. I've never seen anything like it! We love it -- STRINGER #2: (equally excited) Yeah, we love it! (gets close to inspect the gift) THE LORD: (departing) Keep this gift, always. Remember, it is a gift of love. It is a gift of beauty. I made it just for you, and you should ALWAYS take delight in it! STRINGERS #1 & #2: We'll remember, Lord! Don't worry! We love it! Wow, it's so beautiful... THE DEVIL: (approaches from behind, stands behind Stringers) Bumpkins! Do you think you can take care of the Lord's gift? STRINGER #2: (as if he half-heard the devil) You know, maybe you should LET ME take care of the Gift. You are kind of a bumpkin, you know... STRINGER #1: (insulted) You've got a lot of nerve. MAYBE you could take care of this Gift, but then again, I don't want to burden you. THE DEVIL: Leave it to you two bumpkins. You'll screw it up. STRINGER #2: So like, how we gonna take care of the Gift? We're probably going to screw it up. I mean, YOU'RE probably going to screw it up! THE DEVIL: You really outta protect the Gift, you know... STRINGER #1: (thoughtfully) I guess we SHOULD come up with a way of protecting the Gift. THE DEVIL: (dangles a mess of STRINGS before their faces) Try my handy dandy MEMORY TOOLS! No muss, no fuss, why these are foolproof blessings to help you not only OBEY the Lord, but they will help you do even BETTER than He commanded you! STRINGER #1: (snatching the strings from the devil) Hey what a great idea! STRINGER #2: I don't get it. STRINGER #1: Here, take one of these (handing to Stringer #2) and tie it around the Gift -- yeah, make it nice and tight so it won't slip! PERFECT! STRINGER #2: (standing back to look at string) I STILL don't get it. STRINGER #1: See? The Lord said this Gift was about MEMORY. Now this STRING represents "REMEMBRANCE." Now when we look at this string, we'll remember that the Gift is about remembering! STRINGER #2: (nodding head, thinking it over) You know, you may have a point. Yeah, it sure helps toggle MY memory... THE DEVIL: (clapping hands) You two are GENIUSES! You are BRILLIANT! The Lord will be SO PLEASED with you guys! STRINGER #1: (starting EXIT up center aisle) Here tie another one around -- so we can remember that this Gift is about DELIGHT, like the Lord said. STRINGER #2: (EXITING, tying second string to Gift) Yeah, right! Okay, String #1 is for REMEMBRANCE, and String #2 is for DELIGHT. THE DEVIL: (following, smiling, laughing) Be CREATIVE! Come on, guys! What about a string for a SIGN! You can think up more, can't ya? STRINGERS #3 & #4: (begin coming slowly up aisle from back, as soon as Stringers #1 & #2 begin to exit -- Stringer #3 is carrying a big ball of yarn, delicately, with great reverence) STRINGER #3: (begins talking softly, as the Devil says line about "You can think up more, can't ya?" -- starts talking softly, is talking LOUDLY by the time the Devil finishes speaking) This is a great day, my son! Finally I am able to pass this Gift from the Lord to you. (Stringers #1-#4 should pass each other, Stringers #1 & #2 are quiet, but MIME talking, and continue to tie more strings to Golden Apple -- the Devil stops, watches #1 & #2 fade away, and then swings about to follow Stringers #3 & #4) THE DEVIL: I gotta tell ya, guys -- and hey, I'm being STRICTLY HONEST here, you know me -- but you guys are EVEN MORE BRILLIANT than your parents, and your grandparents, and your great grandparents! I truly consider it a blessing to be able to know you all so intimately! STRINGER #3: (arriving at front, holds up Ball of Yarn for all to admire) My son! This is the great Gift from our God. Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it glorious? STRINGER #4: (stares at Ball of Yarn with comical confusion, blinking) Um-um-er, ah, Dad? This is the Great Gift from God? STRINGER #3: (sternly) Be careful son, because this is a Gift of Great Seriousness. In fact, take a string from my pocket, please! Good! Now tie it around the Gift. (holds ball out for tying, Stringer #4 ties on a string, but is obviously annoyed with the effort) Yes, thank you, son, that is perfect! Now let's see -- please open the Book, my son... STRINGER #4: (sighs loudly, is greatly bored, and isn't appreciating ANY of this -- riffles through pages and gets WAY BACK to end of book, looks up last entry) Okay. This would be String #8,952. THE DEVIL: IS THAT ALL! You slackers! Lazybones! (looks very sternly at the both of them, then breaks into huge smile, claps happily) You guys are the BEST! STRINGER #3: Yes, String #8,952 represents the Great Seriousness we must take whenever talking about the Gift! THE DEVIL: (very proud, crossing arms on chest, beaming) Ahhh, String #8,952, the Great Seriousness -- not to be confused with String #1,227, the Great Gravity whenever THINKING about the Gift -- I'll tell ya, the best, really, truly the best, the best the best the best.... STRINGER #4: Dad, maybe Suzie outta take over the Gift -- you know, she's ALWAYS been more serious than me... STRINGER #3: (with great ceremony hefts the Ball up and sets it in Stringer #4's arms) Sorry, son. It's YOURS. (he looks strangely relieved to be free of the Gift, and makes great show of dusting off hands) And remember, it's a thing of DELIGHT! STRINGER #4: (having a difficult time holding both the Ball and the Book, is weighed down heavily by the Gift, and speaks in utter depression) Thanks dad . . . String #2, DELIGHT. Yeah. Thanks. I'm REAL delighted... STRINGER #3: (starting EXIT) You'll see son. There is great satisfaction in serving the Burden -- uh, er, GIFT! (looking up at the sky in fear) I mean, the GIFT!!! There is GREAT satisfaction in serving the GIFT! STRINGER #4: (EXITING, grimacing at Ball, muttering) I think String Number GAZILLION ought to be FOUR PEOPLE should lug the Gift! STRINGER #3: (looking back, maybe agreeing) Hang tough, son, hang tough. And remember: DELIGHT. STRINGER #4: (in agony) Remember: DELIGHT... THE DEVIL: (chortling, following them, dancing about merrily) What a Lord you serve! What a Lord you serve! STRINGER #3 & #4: (in unison) WHAT A LORD WE SERVE... (should almost be to the back of the aisle, and Stringers #5 - #8 begin their ENTRANCE) STRINGERS #5, #6, #7, #8: (start pushing HUGE BALL down aisle, like slaves, tormented, weary, HATING every step they take) PUUUUUSH!! (chanting, in rhythm) PUUUUUUSH!! THE DEVIL: (following Stringers #3 & #4, immediately switches to follow BIG BALL GROUP) Puuuuush! And remember: DELIIIIIIIIIGHT! STRINGERS #5-#8: (terrific show of toil and strain, and lots of PAIN) PPUUUUUUSH! PPUUUUUUUSH! THE DEVIL: (clapping in rhythm) What a Lord you serve! What a Lord you serve! STRINGERS #5-#8: (moaning) What a Lord we serve! What a Lord we serve! (they arrive at front, collapse away from HUGE BALL, exhausted, panting) STRINGER #5: Serve the gift. (gasp, gasp) Remember String #2 million five hundred thousand three hundred thirty-two: The Joy of the Ball makes me Peppy! STRINGER #6: (wiping face with handkerchief) No -- no... Wrong... (gasp, gasp) "The Joy of the Ball makes me Peppy" is #2 million five hundred thousand three hundred FORTY two... STRINGER #7: OH BIG DEAL! If I hear another quote from the Book of String Numbers my head is going to explode! (the others are shocked, they gape at Stringer #7) STRINGER #8: (producing string) Who has the book? We gotta add a new string! This one should be "No talk of Exploding Head after Pushing the Gift!" STRINGER #5: (producing Book, a MUCH BIGGER BOOK) That's a good one! Remember #2: DELIGHT! STRINGER #6: (flexing sore arms) And the next String should be: "The Gift Must be Moved with a FORKLIFT!" THE DEVIL: BRILLIANT! I thought your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great (takes DEEP breath) great-great-GREAT grandparents were GOOD, but you guys are the STRINGIEST OF THEM ALL! STRINGER #7: That's IT! I'm sick and tired of this. I'm sorry, but I don't take ANY delight in this. It's a big joke. This ball is HUGE. And it doesn't smell too good! STRINGER #8: Whoa, buddy, you just went and twanged String #9,205, "No Mention of the Smell of the Gift." STRINGER #5: Not to mention String #1 million five hundred and -- STRINGER #6: (interrupting, violently, pointing to Stringer #7) -- I agree with HIM! I'm sick and tired of it all! What kind of God would give us a present like THIS (stabbing a finger at HUGE BALL)... THE DEVIL: (sincerely, with love) I gotta admit, I've asked that question of myself, MANY times, and I think you all otta give it some serious consideration... STRINGER #8: You know the String Number about stoning -- you both deserve DEATH! STRINGER #5: Yeah, you both deserve death! STRINGER #6 & #7: (squaring off with their enemies over the HUGE BALL of String) Yeah? Huh? You two think you can take us? STRINGER #5 & #8: (looming angrily toward their enemies, clenching fists) The LORD is on OUR side! You Anti-Strings! THE LORD: (entering) STOP IT! All of you! (stunned silence, everyone backs away from the BALL, they all look guilty and can't meet the Lord's eyes) THE DEVIL: (after a long silence) Party pooper. THE LORD: What are you all doing? (looking at each one of them) Why are you fighting? (looks down and finally sees BALL) AND . . . WHAT . . . IS . . . THIS? STRINGER #5: Its the Gift, Lord. The precious Gift of Delight that You gave us, Lord. THE DEVIL: Yeah, who in the world does He think He is, anyway? You guys have kept it safe all these years, not Him! You've memorized EVERY string, and you've kept the strings, and honored them! STRINGER #8: It belongs to US, Lord! And I wish you'd move away from the strings, Lord. You're making me nervous... THE LORD: (kneels at BALL, readies His hands to rip open the BALL) This . . . is . . . NOT . . . the . . . Gift . . . that I gave unto you. THE DEVIL: (excited, angry) Get Him! Stop Him! He's going to hurt the Strings! STRINGER #5 & #8 & DEVIL: (chaotic, speaking at once) Cut it out! Leave it alone, Lord! Back away from the Ball! Stop it, I'm serious, get away! (they loom threateningly over the Lord) THE LORD: (raises His hands, immediate silence, all cut off at once, He looks about at them, first the Stringers, and finally at the Devil -- He snaps His fingers at the Devil who snarls but moves quickly away to watch from a distance) I made a Gift for you, because I love you. I did NOT create YOU so that you would have to SERVE this gift. I gave you a GIFT, not a burden. (He again turns to BALL and rips it open -- immediately all present grab their noses, groaning because of the stink, even the Lord turns His head aside in revulsion) (looks at the Stringers) What in the WORLD were you thinking? (with reluctance He looks inside the BALL and reaches in His hand) (He comes up with Golden Apple, holds it high for all to see -- the Stringers gasp, and smile at the dazzling Gift) THIS IS WHAT I GAVE YOU. (they gasp again and stare at the Golden Apple with adoring eyes) The choice is yours, My children. You can either accept this Gift that I prepared for you, a Gift which is a symbol of my Grace, My Rest -- or you can accept THIS (looking with disgust at Huge Ball of String) -- a worthless collection of stinking strings, your man-made rules... THE DEVIL: (moving up close behind Stringers #5 & #8) THINK of all your hard work! THINK of how you worked to memorize all the strings! THINK what a waste your lives will be if you give up your strings now! STRINGER #5: (moving to HUGE BALL, touching it lovingly) String #1, for Remembrance. STRINGER #8: (joining Stringer #5, loving taking hold of HUGE BALL) String #2, DELIGHT... (they sadly pick up HUGE BALL and struggle away, EXITING) THE DEVIL: (following, snickering) SUCKER! THE LORD: (offers the Golden Apple to Stringer #6) This Gift has always existed and will always exist, and it is always for you, from Me, with love... STRINGER #6: (sadly, turning away) I'm sorry Lord. I've had enough with gifts. I think I want to do this life my own way, okay... (slowly walks away) THE LORD: (turning to Stringer #7) This is your gift, My child, but I will not force you to take it, in the same way I will not force you to accept My Grace... STRINGER #7: (smiling hugely) YES! I accept ALL your Gifts, Lord, ALL of them! (takes the Golden Apple) THE LORD: (places arm about Stringer #7, and they begin EXIT) As you accept My Gifts, My child, I can give you more! STRINGER #7: (beaming) YES, Lord, ANYTHING You give me is good! Bring on the gifts, Lord!

 The Devil in Defeat  (GOVERNOR at podium, speaking into microphone & 3 REPORTERS sharing microphone handled by AIDE, CROWD, 5-10 people sitting in front row, they follow one lead RABBLE ROUSER who follows the script -- REPORTERS begin to jump up and down, raising their hands, seeking the GOVERNOR's attention -- the GOVERNOR points at REPORTER #1) REPORTER #1: (pointing finger at CANDIDATE) The latest polls don't look too promising, Governor. Some -- even in your own party -- are suggesting you stand down. What do you have to say to them? GOVERNOR: (smiling, smarmy, has all the best answers) Dear Quigley, you know what they say! It ain't over till it's over. (light applause from crowd) I have faith in the people. (a little more applause) They know who the best candidate is. My record speaks for itself. I'm the best. (wild cheering) My unworthy opponent (boos) is a liar and a cheat, and I think the people are sick and tired of it. (loud boos and hisses) I'm completely confident of my ultimate victory. (cheers, applause) REPORTER #2: (amidst clamor as other reporters try to butt in to get their questions asked) Governor! Governor! GOVERNOR: (scanning REPORTERs) Um, Jane! (pointing to her -- AIDE moves mic to REPORTER #2) REPORTER #2: Some say that the war is already over, that you're just proud, arrogant, and as stubborn as a mule. That the chief battle has been fought, and that the war is over. You're just causing mayhem before you're finally thrown into prison. (smiling sweetly, sarcastic) What's your reply to these detractors? GOVERNOR: Look at my mileage so far! (cheers!) My gubernatorial record speaks for itself. (applause) I'M the best for the country, I'M the guy that knows what the people like. (loud applause) My unworthy opponent (boos, boos, hisses) has some of the populace slicked, tricked and hoodwinked (laughter, applause) -- FOR NOW -- I expect as the campaign winds down I will be opening the eyes of MANY (cheers! chants of "FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!") REPORTER #3: (more ruckus as REPORTERs compete for attention) Governor! I've got a question! I've got a question! Over HERE Governor! Over HERE! GOVERNOR: (oily, smirking, smarmy, pointing to REPORTER #3) Yes Bill! REPORTER #3: You've always been popular, Governor. Not many question that. But your policies on general humanity, warfare, selfishness and -- especially -- SALVATION! Your critics seem to have a pretty good point -- isn't your platform, well, kind of BARE? Isn't what you're offering kind of on a limited basis? A few candies and Hershey bars and then NOTHING?! GOVERNOR: Propaganda! (boos) Lies! (boos) Baseless innuendo and slanderous mudslinging! (hisses) Has there been (swelling with pride) ANYONE like me before? (cheers, applause) Someone who has accomplished so much . . . with so little? (pulls pockets inside-out to show how empty they are) (loud applause) Didn't I promise to put a Twinkie in every lunch box? (loud cheers!) Two slices of whitebread in every sandwich? (ecstatic cheers!) You have to ask yourself, "DO I CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE?" Go ahead and ask yourself that, my people. You have to ask yourself, "DO I BELIEVE THERE WILL BE A FUTURE?" Go ahead and ask yourself that, my good friends. My platform has always been the same: LIVE FOR THE MOMENT! (CROWD cheers, applause, begins to chant: "LIVE FOR THE MOMENT! LIVE FOR THE MOMENT! LIVE FOR THE MOMENT!" -- they quiet down to a soft murmur, continuing chant, as GOVERNOR resumes speech, finally fade away) What our opponent offers is NOTHING. It's based on myths, legends, fables and old wives' tales -- and we're talking REALLY . . . OLD . . . WIVES. (laughter from crowd) There is absolutely no proof of what he promises. He demands FAITH . . . based on WHAT? Something that happened YEARS ago? TWO THOUSAND YEARS AGO, to be precise. (swelling with pride, strength) I not only talk the talk, but I walk the walk. If I promise you lust, buddy, I provide you with all the empty lust you can ask for. Walk down the streets, look at the billboards. I give you what you want and I don't -- (crowd is silent from this point) REPORTER #1: (butting in) Governor! You've been caught in lie after lie! Your deceptions have been exposed! Sure, if this was a popularity contest, yeah, I think it's no big duh that you'd win hands down! GOVERNOR: Do you have a point, Quigley, or are you just trying to grandstand? REPORTER #1: My POINT is, this controversy is based on JUSTICE, not the popular vote. It's based on obedience, not lawlessness. It's based on who is telling the truth -- not on who tells the biggest lies! AIDE: Mr. Quigley, do you have a question for the Governor? If you continue with this loud-mouthed bragging, I'LL throw you out, personally. REPORTER #2: (grabbing mic, surging forward, elbowing back other reporters) You know, I don't have a question, but Mr. Governor! I think it is pretty obvious you are nothing more than a liar and a cheater! And an OBVIOUS liar and cheater at that! GOVERNOR: JANE! Jane, Jane, JANE . . . What about that bonus you got last Xmas? Hmmmmm? And what if your husband knew about that little occurrence a year ago . . . you know the one -- what would your husband think? Talk about liars and cheaters. You're on my side, baby, and you've always been on my side, and you've got no choice but to BE on my side. (REPORTER #2 lowers head and walks slowly away) And Quigley, a little surprising YOU calling ME a loud-mouthed braggart! What about those extra deductions on your tax returns? Would the IRS treat you as good as I do? And when you got your co-worker fired? I mean, like, I don't wanna be called an ACCUSER or anything, but REALLY! You should be ashamed of yourself! (REPORTER #1 lowers head and walks slowly away) AIDE: And what about our pal, Mr. Bill? REPORTER #3: (throwing up his hands, terrified) I'm going! I -- I -- I didn't say ANYTHING. I'm going, OKAY? You don't need to say another thing! Please! I'm going! GOVERNOR: Stick with me, people! You want a party? I can provide. You want to forget? I've got JUST the stuff! (building cheers) Live for the moment! There IS no tomorrow! There is NO tomorrow! (ecstatic cheers, and a building chant of "NO TOMORROW, NO TOMORROW") You've GOT it people: There is no TOMORROW! (closes eyes, smiles hugely, basking in the praise and adulation, turning and acknowledging the crowd's approval -- when the crowd begins to die down, GOVERNOR subtly wiggles his fingers demanding more praise) AIDE: As always, Governor, you went over VERY big. GOVERNOR: (basking in praise, turning this way and that with his eyes closed, doesn't hear AIDE) AIDE: (after a long praising pause, repeating) As always, Governor, you went over VERY big. GOVERNOR: (opens eyes, glares at the crowd with pure murder -- snarls and exaggeratedly draws a finger like a knife across his throat -- the crowd instantly hushes -- no more heard from crowd . . . GOVERNOR drops all pretense of good humor) AIDE: I guess it's really too bad it's NOT a popularity contest. Reminds me of one of the other major elections. More than a billion votes for you, and only EIGHT votes for our Enemy. GOVERNOR: (begins pacing, flexing fists, building anger) Yeah, and that's about the MOST satisfying thing, too. Just like before, in the Flood -- what I lovingly call my World Toilet Bowl -- THIS time too, all these worthless creatures will perish. That's about my only consolation. They'll all be dead! DEAD!! Worthless, tiny specks of garbage -- they make it so easy for me to HATE them. If I was allowed to kill them all today . . . believe me, I would. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. AIDE: I can't figure why so many WANT you so badly. GOVERNOR: EXCUSE ME?! AIDE: Oh, er-um, well, I mean, they choose your worthless offering, and gladly offer up their free gift of eternal beauty, unconditional love, and eternal ecstasy GOVERNOR: You should talk. And you even got to participate in some of that so-called (going ballistically sarcastic, with mincing words and squeaky voice) "eternal beauty," aaaah, and "unconditional love," and . . . oh, the memories! "Eternal ecstasy." (clutching hands to heart, swooning, fluttering eyelashes) AIDE: (insulted) You were a really convincing liar. (no pause in speech as GOVERNOR says "Thank you!") GOVERNOR: Thank you! AIDE: Still, I guess with these tiny worthless specimens, I think your greatest achievement is that they don't even believe in you. It makes it soooooo easy. (laughing wickedly) I'll tell ya, these little creatures are too easy to win over. They can have a mansion made of gold, forever, and instead gladly trade for a plastic noisemaker that only lasts 5 minutes! GOVERNOR: (laughing with head thrown back, suddenly ceases laughter and snaps daggerous look at AIDE to sneer, "You Imbecile" with pure malice) YOU IMBECILE. I don't care at ALL about the ones we've got. I want those out there that are still stubbornly keeping (pointing up) His laws. Leave ours to their own devices, they're fading and are gonna fade anyway. I want the suckers in the OTHER camp, surrounded, completely, every moment of the day. AIDE: We've got the remnant surrounded by legions already. In fact, every day more and more of them fall. More and more of them give up. Their numbers are so tiny now it's hard to get at 'em, we've already got so many of our guys around them! GOVERNOR: (getting upset) Ahhh, but our time is running out. If I could only squeeze another 10 or 15 years out of this worthless husk of a world, this squeezed and empty tube of toothpaste. For another 20 years -- THINK what I could accomplish! (getting madder) It makes me sick, that He's going to come, soon, after all I've done, after I've proven without a doubt how unfair He is! (at the point of screaming) AIDE: Well, that's kind of the problem. Enough people have already proved that He IS fair -- I mean MORE than fair, offering His OWN Son as a sacrifice for these worthless ones... GOVERNOR: SHUT UP! You think I need to HEAR that kind of TRASH? It's GARBAGE! I mean, just thinking, just realizing, ooooh -- I mean the clock is ticking so loudly, so loudly I think I'm going DEAF! Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick! Oh -- (throws head back and roars like a lion, an exaggerated animalistic roar of fear and anger and frustration, finally to collapse upon podium, exhausted) . . . if only I could have kept Him in the grave! So close to winning! So CLOOOOSE! AIDE: Calm down, Big Guy. Sheesh. GOVERNOR: (reviving, a little embarrassed at his theatrical lion roar and loss of composure) Oh, yes, yes, you're right, yes. (fanning his face and underarms, straightening his tie, and slicking back his hair) You're right. Sorry about that little lapse... AIDE: We're doing everything possible. In one sense, we're winning, BIG TIME. Can't you be happy with a 99 PERCENT victory? GOVERNOR: NO! I can't. As long as ONE of them escapes . . . it gives me nightmares. AIDE: Well, I don't think you're going to be having all that many nightmares. Our accountants prove the claim that the vast majority is taking the wide path. They're going right past the narrow gate. But isn't that amazing, that even though they've been gifted grace, freely, without any form of merit, they still choose your worthless promises? GOVERNOR: (fully recovered, in good humor again) Hey, that's what keeps me going. If I didn't enjoy the irony so much, I might have thrown in the towel a long, long time ago! AIDE: (checking watch) Well, hate to rush ya, Big Guy, after such a successful Pep Rally, but you have a big meeting over in Europe in about 5 minutes GOVERNOR: (they both don dark sunglasses) Ah well, you know what they say... (they point at each other, grinning) AIDE/GOVERNOR: No rest for the wicked! (they both laugh wickedly and exit)