in 
Dramas-Skits
Dramas-Skits The Devil in Defeat Skit
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 11:06AM
The Devil in Defeat
(GOVERNOR at podium, speaking into microphone & 3 REPORTERS sharing microphone handled by AIDE, CROWD, 5-10 people sitting in front row, they follow one lead RABBLE ROUSER who follows the script -- REPORTERS begin to jump up and down, raising their hands, seeking the GOVERNOR's attention -- the GOVERNOR points at REPORTER #1)
REPORTER #1:
(pointing finger at CANDIDATE) The latest polls don't look too promising, Governor. Some -- even in your own party -- are suggesting you stand down. What do you have to say to them?
GOVERNOR:
(smiling, smarmy, has all the best answers) Dear Quigley, you know what they say! It ain't over till it's over. (light applause from crowd) I have faith in the people. (a little more applause) They know who the best candidate is. My record speaks for itself. I'm the best. (wild cheering) My unworthy opponent (boos) is a liar and a cheat, and I think the people are sick and tired of it. (loud boos and hisses) I'm completely confident of my ultimate victory. (cheers, applause)
REPORTER #2:
(amidst clamor as other reporters try to butt in to get their questions asked) Governor! Governor!
GOVERNOR:
(scanning REPORTERs) Um, Jane! (pointing to her -- AIDE moves mic to REPORTER #2)
REPORTER #2:
Some say that the war is already over, that you're just proud, arrogant, and as stubborn as a mule. That the chief battle has been fought, and that the war is over. You're just causing mayhem before you're finally thrown into prison. (smiling sweetly, sarcastic) What's your reply to these detractors?
GOVERNOR:
Look at my mileage so far! (cheers!) My gubernatorial record speaks for itself. (applause) I'M the best for the country, I'M the guy that knows what the people like. (loud applause) My unworthy opponent (boos, boos, hisses) has some of the populace slicked, tricked and hoodwinked (laughter, applause) -- FOR NOW -- I expect as the campaign winds down I will be opening the eyes of MANY (cheers! chants of "FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!")
REPORTER #3:
(more ruckus as REPORTERs compete for attention) Governor! I've got a question! I've got a question! Over HERE Governor! Over HERE!
GOVERNOR:
(oily, smirking, smarmy, pointing to REPORTER #3) Yes Bill!
REPORTER #3:
You've always been popular, Governor. Not many question that. But your policies on general humanity, warfare, selfishness and -- especially -- SALVATION! Your critics seem to have a pretty good point -- isn't your platform, well, kind of BARE? Isn't what you're offering kind of on a limited basis? A few candies and Hershey bars and then NOTHING?!
GOVERNOR:
Propaganda! (boos) Lies! (boos) Baseless innuendo and slanderous mudslinging! (hisses) Has there been (swelling with pride) ANYONE like me before? (cheers, applause) Someone who has accomplished so much . . . with so little? (pulls pockets inside-out to show how empty they are) (loud applause) Didn't I promise to put a Twinkie in every lunch box? (loud cheers!) Two slices of whitebread in every sandwich? (ecstatic cheers!)
You have to ask yourself, "DO I CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE?" Go ahead and ask yourself that, my people. You have to ask yourself, "DO I BELIEVE THERE WILL BE A FUTURE?" Go ahead and ask yourself that, my good friends.
My platform has always been the same: LIVE FOR THE MOMENT!
(CROWD cheers, applause, begins to chant: "LIVE FOR THE MOMENT! LIVE FOR THE MOMENT! LIVE FOR THE MOMENT!" -- they quiet down to a soft murmur, continuing chant, as GOVERNOR resumes speech, finally fade away)
What our opponent offers is NOTHING. It's based on myths, legends, fables and old wives' tales -- and we're talking REALLY . . . OLD . . . WIVES. (laughter from crowd) There is absolutely no proof of what he promises. He demands FAITH . . . based on WHAT? Something that happened YEARS ago? TWO THOUSAND YEARS AGO, to be precise.
(swelling with pride, strength) I not only talk the talk, but I walk the walk. If I promise you lust, buddy, I provide you with all the empty lust you can ask for. Walk down the streets, look at the billboards. I give you what you want and I don't --
(crowd is silent from this point)
REPORTER #1:
(butting in) Governor! You've been caught in lie after lie! Your deceptions have been exposed! Sure, if this was a popularity contest, yeah, I think it's no big duh that you'd win hands down!
GOVERNOR:
Do you have a point, Quigley, or are you just trying to grandstand?
REPORTER #1:
My POINT is, this controversy is based on JUSTICE, not the popular vote. It's based on obedience, not lawlessness. It's based on who is telling the truth -- not on who tells the biggest lies!
AIDE:
Mr. Quigley, do you have a question for the Governor? If you continue with this loud-mouthed bragging, I'LL throw you out, personally.
REPORTER #2:
(grabbing mic, surging forward, elbowing back other reporters) You know, I don't have a question, but Mr. Governor! I think it is pretty obvious you are nothing more than a liar and a cheater! And an OBVIOUS liar and cheater at that!
GOVERNOR:
JANE! Jane, Jane, JANE . . . What about that bonus you got last Xmas? Hmmmmm? And what if your husband knew about that little occurrence a year ago . . . you know the one -- what would your husband think? Talk about liars and cheaters. You're on my side, baby, and you've always been on my side, and you've got no choice but to BE on my side. (REPORTER #2 lowers head and walks slowly away)
And Quigley, a little surprising YOU calling ME a loud-mouthed braggart! What about those extra deductions on your tax returns? Would the IRS treat you as good as I do? And when you got your co-worker fired? I mean, like, I don't wanna be called an ACCUSER or anything, but REALLY! You should be ashamed of yourself! (REPORTER #1 lowers head and walks slowly away)
AIDE:
And what about our pal, Mr. Bill?
REPORTER #3:
(throwing up his hands, terrified) I'm going! I -- I -- I didn't say ANYTHING. I'm going, OKAY? You don't need to say another thing! Please! I'm going!
GOVERNOR:
Stick with me, people! You want a party? I can provide. You want to forget? I've got JUST the stuff! (building cheers) Live for the moment! There IS no tomorrow! There is NO tomorrow! (ecstatic cheers, and a building chant of "NO TOMORROW, NO TOMORROW") You've GOT it people: There is no TOMORROW!
(closes eyes, smiles hugely, basking in the praise and adulation, turning and acknowledging the crowd's approval -- when the crowd begins to die down, GOVERNOR subtly wiggles his fingers demanding more praise)
AIDE:
As always, Governor, you went over VERY big.
GOVERNOR:
(basking in praise, turning this way and that with his eyes closed, doesn't hear AIDE)
AIDE:
(after a long praising pause, repeating) As always, Governor, you went over VERY big.
GOVERNOR:
(opens eyes, glares at the crowd with pure murder -- snarls and exaggeratedly draws a finger like a knife across his throat -- the crowd instantly hushes -- no more heard from crowd . . . GOVERNOR drops all pretense of good humor)
AIDE:
I guess it's really too bad it's NOT a popularity contest. Reminds me of one of the other major elections. More than a billion votes for you, and only EIGHT votes for our Enemy.
GOVERNOR:
(begins pacing, flexing fists, building anger) Yeah, and that's about the MOST satisfying thing, too. Just like before, in the Flood -- what I lovingly call my World Toilet Bowl -- THIS time too, all these worthless creatures will perish. That's about my only consolation. They'll all be dead! DEAD!! Worthless, tiny specks of garbage -- they make it so easy for me to HATE them. If I was allowed to kill them all today . . . believe me, I would. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
AIDE:
I can't figure why so many WANT you so badly.
GOVERNOR:
EXCUSE ME?!
AIDE:
Oh, er-um, well, I mean, they choose your worthless offering, and gladly offer up their free gift of eternal beauty, unconditional love, and eternal ecstasy
GOVERNOR:
You should talk. And you even got to participate in some of that so-called (going ballistically sarcastic, with mincing words and squeaky voice) "eternal beauty," aaaah, and "unconditional love," and . . . oh, the memories! "Eternal ecstasy." (clutching hands to heart, swooning, fluttering eyelashes)
AIDE:
(insulted) You were a really convincing liar.
(no pause in speech as GOVERNOR says "Thank you!")
GOVERNOR:
Thank you!
AIDE:
Still, I guess with these tiny worthless specimens, I think your greatest achievement is that they don't even believe in you. It makes it soooooo easy. (laughing wickedly) I'll tell ya, these little creatures are too easy to win over. They can have a mansion made of gold, forever, and instead gladly trade for a plastic noisemaker that only lasts 5 minutes!
GOVERNOR:
(laughing with head thrown back, suddenly ceases laughter and snaps daggerous look at AIDE to sneer, "You Imbecile" with pure malice) YOU IMBECILE. I don't care at ALL about the ones we've got. I want those out there that are still stubbornly keeping (pointing up) His laws. Leave ours to their own devices, they're fading and are gonna fade anyway. I want the suckers in the OTHER camp, surrounded, completely, every moment of the day.
AIDE:
We've got the remnant surrounded by legions already. In fact, every day more and more of them fall. More and more of them give up. Their numbers are so tiny now it's hard to get at 'em, we've already got so many of our guys around them!
GOVERNOR:
(getting upset) Ahhh, but our time is running out. If I could only squeeze another 10 or 15 years out of this worthless husk of a world, this squeezed and empty tube of toothpaste. For another 20 years -- THINK what I could accomplish! (getting madder) It makes me sick, that He's going to come, soon, after all I've done, after I've proven without a doubt how unfair He is! (at the point of screaming)
AIDE:
Well, that's kind of the problem. Enough people have already proved that He IS fair -- I mean MORE than fair, offering His OWN Son as a sacrifice for these worthless ones...
GOVERNOR:
SHUT UP! You think I need to HEAR that kind of TRASH? It's GARBAGE! I mean, just thinking, just realizing, ooooh -- I mean the clock is ticking so loudly, so loudly I think I'm going DEAF! Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick! Oh -- (throws head back and roars like a lion, an exaggerated animalistic roar of fear and anger and frustration, finally to collapse upon podium, exhausted) . . . if only I could have kept Him in the grave! So close to winning! So CLOOOOSE!
AIDE:
Calm down, Big Guy. Sheesh.
GOVERNOR:
(reviving, a little embarrassed at his theatrical lion roar and loss of composure) Oh, yes, yes, you're right, yes. (fanning his face and underarms, straightening his tie, and slicking back his hair) You're right. Sorry about that little lapse...
AIDE:
We're doing everything possible. In one sense, we're winning, BIG TIME. Can't you be happy with a 99 PERCENT victory?
GOVERNOR:
NO! I can't. As long as ONE of them escapes . . . it gives me nightmares.
AIDE:
Well, I don't think you're going to be having all that many nightmares. Our accountants prove the claim that the vast majority is taking the wide path. They're going right past the narrow gate. But isn't that amazing, that even though they've been gifted grace, freely, without any form of merit, they still choose your worthless promises?
GOVERNOR:
(fully recovered, in good humor again) Hey, that's what keeps me going. If I didn't enjoy the irony so much, I might have thrown in the towel a long, long time ago!
AIDE:
(checking watch) Well, hate to rush ya, Big Guy, after such a successful Pep Rally, but you have a big meeting over in Europe in about 5 minutes
GOVERNOR:
(they both don dark sunglasses) Ah well, you know what they say...
(they point at each other, grinning)
AIDE/GOVERNOR:
No rest for the wicked! (they both laugh wickedly and exit)
Reader Comments