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Boasting in the Lord Skit
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 11:19AM
Boasting in the Lord
(three people sitting at table -- on table is sign reading "Boasters & Braggarts Anonymous" -- there is also a fourth, empty chair)
MS. BUCKS:
(riffling through stacks of money) Aside from taxes, the financial world is the place to be. My investments in land and T-bills are paying off in high dividends. (holds up a fistful of dollars) And I am doing (coughs politely) quite well, thank you.
MR. BRAINS:
(surrounded by books) I’ve got two doctorates, and I won’t even mention my Masters or Bachelors or even my Associates -- I’m a Rhodes Scholar, not that it is all that important. I can assure you, NOW is the time to hit the books! (taps a book against his head knowingly)
MR. MUSCLES:
(using a collection of handgrips and arm exercise equipment) Last week I won a national arm-wrestling championship, and I’ve got better than a good shot of making it onto the Olympic powerlifting team in 2000. I’ve mastered the true secret of life. (flexes his biceps mightily)
MS. BUCKS:
My friends, if you want to please God -- I think we can all agree that "pleasing God" is important -- you need to start investing your money. When you stop to think about it, MOST of Jesus’ sayings and parables were about money. The "Widow’s Mite," the "Wages at the End of the Day," and of course, my personal favorite: "The Investment of the Talents." (waves money with emphasis) Invest your moolah wisely, and please God. Stewardship, stewardship, stewardship!
MR. BRAINS:
Do you know how absurd you sound? Well, with your education, I assume you don’t know how absurd you sound. Please God with money? Forget money. Knowledge, wisdom -- EDUCATION is the answer. EDUCATION is the key to success, the key to happiness --money cannot buy wisdom. In fact the Bible is quite clear: "Study to show thyself approved." (shakes book threateningly)
MR. MUSCLES:
You BOTH have missed the point. God doesn’t care so much about money or education. What God cares about is STRENGTH. After all, "the BODY is the temple of God." Strength is what is going to help you in practical things -- people respect a man of might. And strength is the thing to help you in spiritual things, as you need strength to defeat the enemy! I know, better than anyone, EXACTLY what the Apostle Paul was talking about when he said: "Fight the good fight."
MS. BUCKS:
Face it, money is most important, because you need lots of it to get your education AND your strength. My accountants and personal trainers told me so!
MR. BRAINS:
Education is best -- neither of you two could have achieved what you have achieved, without first obtaining your rudimentary education. Now, advance! Increase in wisdom!
MR. MUSCLES:
I could benchpress both of you -- one in each hand. If you don’t have strength, someone’s going to come along and take YOUR money -- and YOUR education isn’t going to help one bit.
MR. BRAINS:
My education includes a black belt in karate, so you better be careful with your benchpressing.
MS. BUCKS:
My bodyguards and security men are paid quite well, thank you!
MR. FAITH:
(arriving with Bible in hands) Hey everyone! Sorry I’m late. (sits down with Bible on table) I was helping out with a youth group over at the church. I’ve been real busy lately, so I haven’t had much chance to attend this group meeting.
MS. BUCKS:
(tapping watch) Time IS money, you know. But spit it out, let’s hear some bragging.
MR. BRAINS:
(demanding) What university did you attend? Post-graduate studies?
MR. MUSCLES:
(demanding) Before you answer that, what weight class are you?
MS. BUCKS:
(demanding) Hold on, hold on -- are you into long- or short-term investments?
MR. FAITH:
(looking from face to face) Oh. Well . . . let me kind of answer all of you -- or at least TRY to answer each of you, point by point.
First of all, I think money is important, but not all THAT important (shocked gasp from Ms. Bucks) -- and, to be honest, I don’t have a lot of money.
MS. BUCKS:
You don’t have a lot of money. Well, I guess it’s obvious why you don’t think it’s important!
MR. MUSCLES:
Let the man speak. He makes good sense -- and he looks to be in pretty good shape.
MR. FAITH:
As far as strength goes, I think it is important for us to be healthy. I get exercise, fresh water and fresh air, and I eat a healthy diet. But strength and health is only a small part.
MR. MUSCLES:
Ridiculous. It’s the MOST important. Without a sound body, you can’t have a sound mind! Without a strong body and strong mind, you can kiss your money good-bye -- study THAT.
MR. BRAINS:
Please! The man has wisdom, don’t quash his thoughts. Please, speak up!
MR. FAITH:
I think education is important, just like money and strength, but again, it is just a small slice of the pie. I have my high school diploma, and some college, but beyond that, worldly education is only so important, as far as eternity is concerned.
MR. BRAINS:
Oh boy, this IS the end of the world -- exactly what I’d expect an uneducated person to say!
MS. BUCKS:
Well, you’ve trashed the things that we believe important! What do YOU have to brag about?
MR. MUSCLES:
Yeah, so far I haven’t heard ANY boasting outta your corner.
MR. FAITH:
Money belongs to the Lord, I am His steward. And education, apart from God, is worthless. And all the strength in the world won’t bring you any closer to God…
MR. MUSCLES / MS. BUCKS / MR. BRAINS:
(simultaneously, in confused, heated anger) There he goes again. Strength! What’s he got to offer? Sounds like a loser to me! Wisdom! Nothing new out of his corner! Wealth! So wise, so strong, so rich! He’s wrong, pure and simple! He needs to hit the books a bit more! Show me the money, come on, show me the money!
MR. FAITH:
(waits a few moments, closing his eyes, finally raises hands for silence, but they keep up their angry babble, until finally MR. FAITH breaks in loudly) I THINK WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT, IS A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD!
(heavy silence -- the three stare incredulously at MR. FAITH)
(after a long moment) Sorry about that. I said (more subdued, taking a deep breath, quietly), I think what is most important is a relationship with God.
I fully believe, in my heart, that studying this (lifting up Bible) reveals God to me. I get to know Him. And throughout the day, I talk to Him. I tell Him about everything. I praise Him, and I thank Him, and He gives me everything. He provides for me. He meets all my needs.
And, as simple as that, I know God. But why don’t we ask Him, because here He comes now…!
MR. MUSCLES / MS. BUCKS / MR. BRAINS:
(shocked, half raising from their chairs -- freeze halfway, eyes huge, mouths dropping open -- they finally realize IT REALLY IS GOD! AND THEY DON’T KNOW HIM! Immediately they plop into their chairs, lowering their faces in shame -- only MR. FAITH is able to look at God, and smile)
THE LORD:
(arriving, smiling, loving all the members of the "Boasters & Braggarts Anonymous" club EQUALLY) I’m so happy to meet with you, My children, today. I love all of you, and long for you to know Me, to spend time with Me, to love Me.
(pausing behind MS. BUCKS’ chair) I am the Master and Creator of the Universe, and all the wealth of the cosmos is at my fingertips. (gently) Your wealth is meaningless. Know Me.
(pausing behind MR. BRAINS’ chair) I have all wisdom, and give wisdom, in full measure. The Holy Spirit desires to live inside you, begs to teach you, and lead you into all truth. (gently) Your earthly wisdom is meaningless. Know . . . Me.
(pausing behind MR. MUSCLES’ chair) My Spirit filled Samson to overflowing, and he was stronger than a thousand fierce warriors. (gently) Your strength is meaningless. Know Me.
THE LORD (CONTINUED):
(comes to rest behind MR. FAITH’s chair) Would you like to make Me happy?
MR. BRAINS / MS. BUCKS / MR. MUSCLES:
(half-raise their heads with hope) (speaking simultaneously with sincerity) Yes Lord! Oh yes! Please! YES! Tell us how! Yes Lord!
THE LORD:
(placing hands upon MR. FAITH’s shoulders) I stand for kindness, justice and righteousness on earth. I delight in these things. If you must boast, or brag, or speak loudly, then please feel free to brag about this: that you know Me . . . that you understand Me -- that you stand for the same things that I stand for: kindness, justice, and righteousness.
MS. BUCKS / MR. BRAINS / MR. FAITH / MR. MUSCLES:
(all equally happy, equally enthused, equally inspired) Yes, Lord!
THE LORD:
NOW you have the secret! So . . . members of "Boasters & Braggarts Anonymous" -- I officially declare this meeting adjourned! (exiting) Know the sound of my voice! Come! And follow Me!
(the members of "Boasters & Braggarts Anonymous" follow the LORD)
God of the Impossible Skit
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 11:18AM
God of the Impossible
(man in waiting room, very nervous, flipping through magazine, constantly checking watch)
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(checking watch for millionth time) Oh come on! This is getting ridiculous, the suspense is killing me. (leafs through magazine without really seeing anything) Yeah, yeah, yeah, babies babies babies. Babies are everywhere. (checks watch, sighs) Good night, let's get this show on the road, already. (looks through magazine, checks watch) What, did that doctor slip out to play a few holes of golf? (finally takes watch off and shakes it, holds it to ear, smacks it in palm, checks it again, and finally throws it on the ground and gets ready to stomp on it)
DOC:
(entering) Hello Mr. Believer! Sorry to be a little late, but -- oh, having a little trouble with your watch?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(embarrassed) Oh! No, hello doctor. (retrieving watch) I was just -- uh, umm, just
DOC:
(helpfully) Just giving it the ole Timex test? You know, takes a licking and keeps on ticking?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(snapping to biz) So what about the tests? Do we know what the problem is? Is it me, or Ima's fault? Good news? Bad news?
DOC:
(looks at own watch) You should try Rolex! (looks through file, shaking head, turning back on Believer, shaking head) Hmmmm. Wow! Hmmmm. Oh boy, this is really something!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
What? What is it? Doctor! Tell me! Is it something bad?
DOC:
(looking back, startled, remembering where he is) Huh? Oh, no, um, actually, it's my golf card! I have no idea how it got into your file! (quickly folds and stuffs the card into his pocket) Now, as to YOUR tests. Hmmm. And your wife's tests
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(exasperated) WHAT? Please, tell me? Can we have kids?
DOC:
(snaps folder closed, says in a tone of authority) Forget having children.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
Huh?
DOC:
Ain't gonna happen!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(mouth drops open, stares, begins to argue) But I've changed my diet. I've been taking all those vitamins. And Ima has been taking her prenatals faithfully for the last FIVE YEARS.
DOC:
All a waste of time. Considering YOUR age, and HER age, with the state of her womb and with all your bicycle riding, you're just as likely to win the lotto two times in a row as get pregnant!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
But what about all the fertility drugs you were talking about, and the egg harvesting, and test-tube conception, and mechanical implantation? What about all those scientific bells and whistles?
DOC:
(deadpan) None of that exists, it's all nonsense. A placebo to soothe the masses.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(disbelieving, after a pause) You've got to be . . .joking?
DOC:
Of course I'm joking. (laughs a little, slides up beside Believer and pokes him in ribs) A real stress reliever, huh? But seriously, you try everything, but it all comes down to the same thing. Adoption.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
Adoption?
DOC:
Yes, I'll have my receptionist put a package together. It's about your only choice.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(turning away, very upset, talking to himself) Man! Good night! None of this makes sense. (looks to heaven) What's going on, anyway?
DOC:
(helpfully) Would you like to talk about it, Mr. Believer?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(glances at doctor, then stares out window) Oh, it's just, oh it will sound crazy. But this just isn't the way it's all supposed to happen.
DOC:
(looks puzzled, sits in chair, motions to another chair) Why don't you come sit down and tell me about it? Obviously there's something else going on here that you're not telling me about
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(rubs back of neck, reluctantly joins doctor, sits) Oh. I've just always believed that I was going to have children. (dejectedly) A lot of children. And Ima, too. We thought we were brought together to have kids together. (depressed) We've always believed. It's what our whole lives have been based on. (very sad) But we keep on getting older. And older.
DOC:
It could be you need to take up more hobbies. Take your mind off all this nonsense. Golf is particularly distracting. And soothing. The world is full of people, and there's a surplus of babies out there needing adoption. (pats Believer's knee) Adoption is the answer, my friend.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(shrugs, sighs) Oh, I guess we might consider adoption. Ima already brought up the subject. It would be good. But . . .always . . .I've believed . . .MY children
DOC:
(glances in file) You keep saying "believe." What's THAT all about?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(uncomfortably) Well, I've just always FELT . . .no, KNOWN, that God . . .wants this.
DOC:
(pauses, pen over file, glances between Believer and file) Um. God . . .talks . . .to you?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(nodding) Sure. All the time. He told me not to worry, that we'd be having LOTS of kids.
DOC:
Well, you know, A LOT OF PEOPLE believe God wants something for them. It's a way of justifying our desires. "God wants me to marry this person." "God wants me to have this job." "God wants me to eat a third ice cream sundae!" (looks a little guilty, then smirks) "God wants me to loosen up and play early-morning golf today even if I am late to my appointments!" It's all nonsense. Your age proves it. God never talked to you. God doesn't "WANT" anything from you. Forget it, and think seriously about adoption. And you COULD even consider a surrogate mother?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(uncomfortably) We've gone that route. It . . .worked okay, but it's also started a lot of . . .problems. It didn't quite work out the way we thought it would.
DOC:
Well see there! (glances in file) Yes, so you already have a kid! A son!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
Yes, and I love him very much. But Ima and I --
DOC:
(pats Believer on shoulder) Mr. Believer, trust science, NOT beliefs. Beliefs are fine. Buy a lotto ticket! Buy TWO lotto tickets! That's all the believing you need, and who knows? It could prove a lot more profitable than all these other ridiculous beliefs!
IMA BELIEVER:
(entering, excitedly, sporting a huge pregnant belly) Faithful! Sweetheart! It's wonderful! A miracle! Faithful, sweetheart, God has answered all our prayers!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(jumping up, eyes bugging out) Ima? What in the world?!
IMA BELIEVER:
(beaming) Oh sweetheart, finally after all these years! I feel wonderful! How do I look?
DOC:
(rises slowly, shaking head) This is a joke.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(tentatively puts out hand to touch belly) Is this a pillow? (touches belly, then jerks hand away as if it were hot) IT'S REAL!
IMA BELIEVER:
Of COURSE it's real! What, you think I got hungry and swallowed a basketball?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(laughs excitedly, almost insanely) So it's happened! This is real? God has blessed us?
IMA BELIEVER:
Yes Faithful! God told me: "I am the God of the Impossible! And what I have promised, I make good! And what I promise, IT HAPPENS!"
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(hugs her, kisses her, rubs her belly) I KNEW IT! I ALWAYS KNEW IT! (laughs) God doesn't lie! If He says something, you can believe it! I KNEW IT!
IMA BELIEVER:
(pats him lovingly) Yes dear, you're a real KNOWITALL. (looks at doctor) You can close your mouth now, doctor. Whoops, looks like you might have just caught a fly!
DOC:
(snaps mouth closed audibly, then swallows as if maybe a fly really is going down) But this can't be possible. I just SAW you not more than 10 minutes ago! And you weren't pregnant! (stoops and listens to her belly with stethoscope) My goodness! A heartbeat! You're pregnant!
IMA BELIEVER:
God created the world, the universe. You, me, Faithful -- everyone! What's so shocking about this? It's our baby! All in God's perfect timing!
DOC:
Yeah, but you look like you're (makes a face) SIX MONTHS PREGNANT!
IMA BELIEVER:
Hey, if God can make the sun stand still in the sky, what's so impossible about this? Aren't ALL pregnancies miracles? This is just our own personal miracle.
DOC:
(shrugging helplessly) This isn't scientific at all. But I see that it's true. (looks up to heaven) Okay, you're getting through here, I admit it! (smiles at the Believers) Okay, okay. You got me. (turns to audience) Okay, okay: "I'M . . .A . . .BELIEVER!"
IMA BELIEVER:
No, Doctor. (taps chest, smiling hugely, nodding slowly up and down) IMA BELIEVER!
(they exit, laughing)
Joyful Judgment Skit
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 11:16AM
Joyful Judgment
(a Christian paces, doubting, terrified of the Great Judgment -- she is not sure of her fate, and can only believe that God is coming to destroy her, because she is so unworthy of His grace)
CHRISTIAN:
(shaking head, worried, terrified, walking back and forth) Judgment is coming. What am I going to do? There's no hope! I'm so far from being perfect! I mean, I'm worthless! What hope do I have in the Judgment?
(halts in pacing, looks up to sky, to God, begins shaking, falls to knees) God! I'm a sinner! I sinned today, and yesterday! I don't deserve Your mercy! I don't deserve Your grace!
ANGEL:
(appears, head covered by shawl, holding Remote Control unit) Don't be afraid, dear Christian! Look up to the skies! Be happy! Today is the day of your salvation!
CHRISTIAN:
(miserable, shaking head, near tears) BE HAPPY?! Are you CRAZY! I'm nowhere near PERFECT! Look at ME! I'm FILTHY!
ANGEL:
(presenting Remote Control to Christian) Well, you DO know that you need a Savior. But don't be afraid. Trust in Him. Allow Him to lead you!
CHRISTIAN:
(mystified by Remote Control) What's THIS for?
ANGEL:
So that you might have confidence. (points at box) As you can see, this box has two buttons. Push one or the other. The first button is the Small Faith button, it has more tradition and speculation in it than Truth. The second button is Truth, and only for those who love the truth.
CHRISTIAN:
(peering closely at box) But what does it DO?
ANGEL:
Push either button. But keep the box close to your hand. If you do not like the result of the button you push, you must push it again. Otherwise you may lose your faith completely. (begins to depart, but turns back) But be careful -- HOLD FAST TO THE BUTTON WHICH IS TRUTH. (angel vanishes)
CHRISTIAN:
Hmmm. The first button is the one I have always believed. I better push it, because it seems like the more comfortable button to push
(raises finger in air, pointing up, and then slowly, turns finger down, and with much show pushes Button Number ONE)
HUGE EXPLOSION.
CHRISTIAN:
Oh no! This is like a nightmare! I've had nightmares about this day since I was a little kid! The Lord is coming, and He's . . . ANGRY!
THE LORD:
(suddenly appears, loudly, with incredible anger and wrath) CHRISTIAN! (laughs thunderously, swelling huge with apocalyptic anger, points a condemning finger at Christian) You filthy, low-down, low-life SCUMBUCKET!
CHRISTIAN:
No! Please, NO! Have mercy on me, Lord! Please have mercy!
THE LORD:
(gapes, then snarls) MERCY! MERCY?! ON YOU? Why should I have mercy on you, you filthy little weak-kneed sinner! (marches toward her, goosestepping, shaking a threatening fist) All the sinning you've done! And you expect mercy from ME!
CHRISTIAN:
(quivering, on her knees) Please! I wanted to do right! I wanted to be good!
THE LORD:
You WANTED to do right! You WANTED to be good! I never told you to WANT anything! I told you to BE good. To DO right! Now come on! You're coming with me, because I've prepared a place for you!
CHRISTIAN:
(putting hands over ears) What's that horrible noise?!
THE LORD:
Ha! You like that noise, huh? Well that's the sound of Hellfire, its flames crackling miles high, and you're going right dab in the middle of it, you filthy no-good punkmeister!
(he goes to Christian and she ducks away from Him, she runs, dodges, spins away, but He's hot on her trail, and finally snatches her up like a bundle of dry wood)
CHRISTIAN:
(being carried to hell) No! Please! Not to the fire! Please forgive me! Forgive me, Lord!
THE LORD:
It's too late for prayin! You gonna burn, you bum, you gonna burn!
CHRISTIAN:
(panicking) No! I don't want this button!
(hurriedly, and with much show, jabs at button, and suddenly the Lord walks backward, sets Christian down, and then speaking in hurried reverse, as if the REWIND button has been pushed, walks and talks backward, at first chasing Christian in reverse, and then marching away, goosestepping in reverse, shaking fist, and snarling in reverse, until He laughs in reverse and then disappears)
CHRISTIAN:
(hands over heart, breathing heavily) I think I'm having a heart attack! What a nightmare! That can't be the truth! It just can't be, it's too horrible! But now I'm almost too afraid to push Button Number TWO -- I mean, what if it's worse? (shaking head, still terrified, she raises finger pointing up, and then slowly flip-flops her finger to stab Button Number TWO)
THE LORD:
(appears, smiling) Christian! My love! My precious Bride! I've waited so long for this day! (rushes forward, picks up Christian in His arms, spins her about, and then kisses her repeatedly all over her face)
CHRISTIAN:
(struggles in the Lord's arms, pushes herself away from Him) No Lord! I don't deserve this! I don't deserve YOU! (she covers her face and falls to her knees) I'm not perfect!
THE LORD:
Nonsense! I CHOSE you, and you accepted ME. I covered you with My blood. (He raises her to her feet, and he shakes her with delight, and hugs her) You can trust my promises, they're all TRUE. I came back to this earth because I LOVE you, Christian. I've prepared a place for you, and now you are going to live with me forever! (He picks her up in his arms like a Groom carrying His Bride across the threshold)
CHRISTIAN:
(finally starting to believe, smiling, beaming, delighted) Wow! (looks out at congregation) Hey! Choose Button Number TWO, it's MUCH better, and it's TRUE!
(they exit)
Strength in Weakness (mini) Skit
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 11:16AM
Strength in Weakness (mini)
(2 Angels in background, side by side, 1 agonizing Man in foreground, seated in chair.)
Angel #1:
This is the moment, my friend, the critical moment in the life of my dear charge.
Angel #2:
I came as quickly as possible. Has your fellow made progress?
Angel #1:
On the contrary, he has fallen back. This is the defining dark moment of his life.
Angel #2:
Today? Right now? But I had thought his darkest day was two weeks ago, when he lost his job when they accused him of stealing, and thus the necessary medical insurance for his terminally ill child?
Angel #1:
Ahh, but that was a dark day for this honest man. Ah, but today . . . today he has learned that his wife has filed for divorce, and is in fact deserting him. And now, jobless, he is going to be the sole financial and moral support for his dying child.
Angel #2:
Poor man, poor dear charge. Come, he needs our comfort!
Angel #1:
(holding Angel #2 back) No, not yet. In the next few moments we shall either be comforting him and mourning him, or, through the power of the Holy Spirit, celebrating for him.
Man:
(angrily, with building rage) God? Are you up there? Do you know what's happening in my life?
Angel #2:
He is a very strong man, isn't he?
Angel #1:
Yes, I fear he has always desired to accomplish everything on his own, his own way, or -- in his words: "With no help from nobody!"
Man:
Haven't I been strong, God? Haven't I worked hard, all my life, harder than anybody? Haven't I been a good provider for my children and my wife? What about when I worked 2 shifts, for 6 months, God! Or when I lost my job back when little Mary was born? I wasn't too proud to push a broom for a month, until I got real work! Nobody helped me, God, nobody! (shaking fist) I'VE WORKED HARD, AND I ONLY SEEM TO FAIL!
Angel #2:
I know his type, this strong charge of yours. He doesn't want to win the lottery -- he doesn't want to find a briefcase full of money. He wants to earn every penny in his pocket -- he wants to build his future, brick by brick, with the sweat of his brow, and the ingenuity of his brain.
Man:
Is this the reward for all my life, for all those years of breaking my back! Is THIS what kind of God you are? I SEE who gets the rewards in life! Those that steal, and stab in the back, the cheaters, the LAZY! And what about those that work hard! What about ME, God? What kind of world have you created! What kind of crazy world! (covering face with hands) What's left for me to do? I only have one way out, God, I only have one way out!
Angel #2:
Let's help him, friend! He's thinking of ending the life our Father has given him!
Angel #1:
(restraining) Not yet . . . not yet. See, how the Holy Spirit contends with my charge. See how He embraces the poor man. A moment. A moment, friend...
Angel #2:
But we MUST do something!
Angel #1:
(moving to stand guard about the man) Vigilance, then! Come! We must thwart the enemy, and block him!
Angel #2:
He's there -- and there! Keep him back, friend, keep him back!
Man:
(shaking his head, resigned) Heavenly Father? Will you help me? Can you give me strength to survive? (looking up, to God) I know I'm at fault, Father. I know that I'm proud. And I know that I've always had to do things MY way. I'm sorry, Lord, forgive me.
Angel #1:
(speaking over his shoulder to man) Yes, my fellow servant, yes! Call on Him!
Angel #2:
(placing a hand on man's shoulder) YES! He hears, and He answers!
Man:
(surrendering) I'm ready to try Your way, God, not mine. If You'll have me...
Angel #2:
He'll have you, He's been waiting for you all these years! (turning to put both hands on the man's shoulders as Angel #1 does same)
Man:
I need Your help, God, and I need You. I admit it, with my entire being, I NEED You, Heavenly Father, and I need Jesus!
Angel #1:
(both angels aiding man to stand) With God all things are possible, friend...
Man:
(visibly at peace) Thank you Father, for this peace, thank You for Your love, and thank You Lord for helping me, for strengthening me. I need you God, and I thank You for being here for me...
Angel #2:
(as the angels aid the man to exit the room) His beautiful grace is sufficient for you, brother.
Angel #1:
And in your weakness -- thank God -- He is made strong!
(the angels attend the man, ministering to him, as he exits)
Baby at the Burning Bush Skit
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 11:14AM
Baby at the Burning Bush
(person at front, burning, crackling, in the guise of a burning bush, turning, roaring, on fire, fingers crackling up high in the air, mouth emitting the roar of the fire, animated and amazingly afire)
BURNING BUSH:
(crackling, burning, spitting out fire, twisting in flame, but not consumed)
CAROLENA:
(arrives, drawn by the burning bush, stands gawking in awe) WHOA! I've NEVER seen anything LIKE IT! It's incredible!
BURNING BUSH:
Crackle-crackle, swoosh, crackle crackle! (twisting, on fire, burning, flashing flames, burning intensely hot, but never quite consumed)
CAROLENA:
I'm telling ya! I've never seen anything like it! I wish I had my camcorder! This is something for the X-files! Strange and Inexplicable Phenomena! St. Elmo's Fire, or something!
BURNING BUSH:
CAAAAAAAROOOOOOOOOLEEEEEEENA!
CAROLENA:
(startled, beyond belief) HUH? What in the world? What is this? Bloopers and Practical Jokes? Candid Camera? (looking around for the hidden camera)
BURNING BUSH:
(whirling about, flames cease, pointing finger straight at her) CAAAROOOLENA!
CAROLENA:
(shocked, standing back, terrified) Okay! Yeah-OKAY-Yeah-It's-ME! I'm here! What do you want?
BURNING BUSH:
(crooking finger to bring her closer, she steps a few steps, crooks finger again until she is much closer, then loudly:) Take off your shoes! Carolena!
CAROLENA:
(puzzled) I don't know, I just picked these up at Mervyns, and they weren't cheap, I can tell you that!
BURNING BUSH:
(commanding) Take off your shoes, Carolena! The ground on which you stand is HOLY GROUND.
CAROLENA:
(hastily kicking off shoes) Okay-Okay! There, bare feet! No shoes, see?
BURNING BUSH:
(nods, good, finally, she's being obedient) I have a job for you, Carolena.
CAROLENA:
ME? I think you've made a mistake.
BURNING BUSH:
(flaring bright, swelling huge) I DON'T MAKE MISTAKES!
CAROLENA:
Okay-Okay. You've got a job for me! So what, like, do you want me to distribute pamphlets door to door? Visit the elderly?
BURNING BUSH:
(getting exasperated) No. You will do a great work for me, Carolena! You are going to go into the land of the enemy, and you are going to deliver my people!
CAROLENA:
(flabbergasted) No. Nope. Uh-uh. No way, Hosea! You're crazy, it ain't ever going to happen! (reaching for shoes) I'm just going to get my shoes --
BURNING BUSH:
(interrupting, angry) SILENCE! I said you're going to deliver my people, and you are going stop arguing with me!
CAROLENA:
(pleading, near tears, knees knocking) But listen, okay! Please! You see, I'm not the best person for this! See, I inherited this condition from my mom, see? She can't talk in front of groups of people! Her heart goes crazy, and I've got that too, I mean I'm breaking out in a sweat just thinking about it! I can't get up in front of all them strangers, no way, I'm the worst possible pick for a job like that! You've exceeded my comfort level and there's just no way --
BURNING BUSH:
(stepping forward) THAT'S ENOUGH! I know you. I know everything about you. All of your strengths. All of your weaknesses -- and YES, you DO have a lot of weaknesses.
And I know you are a sinner. Yes, quite a sinner.
But I choose you. Even though you have sinned, you can still serve me. I have a work for you that YOU can do best!
CAROLENA:
Uh. Well. Um, er, uh -- okay. If you say so. Okay. But let me just look through my daytimer here (opening up calendar book) just to see when I'm available.
Oops. This week isn't good, because I have to have my hair done tomorrow, and let's see -- yup, a lunch with my girlfriend the next day, and a doctor's appointment, hmmm, and next week -- oh boy --
BURNING BUSH:
(looking on, peeking over top of calendar, puzzled, with a growing sense of exasperation -- WHAT KIND OF PETTY EXCUSES ARE THESE, ANYWAY?!)
CAROLENA:
-- and the next week is just as full, but if we flip over to the new year, I think I could squeeze in --
BURNING BUSH:
(finally had enough) CLOSE THAT BOOK! I didn't say you were going to go tomorrow, or next day, or next week, or next month or year!
TODAY IS THE DAY YOU WILL SERVE ME!
(pregnant pause)
(pointing commandingly toward the land of the enemy) Now, GOOOOO! Carolena! GOOOOOO! Deliver my people!
CAROLENA:
(rubbing tummy) Oh, ooooh, well, I haven't eaten today, and I'm really starving...
BURNING BUSH:
No. Carolena. GO! I will feed you!
CAROLENA:
(thinking desperately) Uh, well, you know I haven't walked the dog today and my husband won't be getting home for several hours, and there's going to be a huge accident if I don't go and walk him right --
BURNING BUSH:
No. GO! My grace is sufficient for you.
CAROLENA:
(finally, reluctantly, agrees, nodding head) Okay. Okay. Okay-okay-okay. (points down at feet and shoes)
BURNING BUSH:
Yes, yes. You may put on your shoes.
CAROLENA:
(puts on shoes, starts exiting)
BURNING BUSH:
And Carolena? Serving me will be the most fulfilling and satisfying thing you will ever do in your life.
CAROLENA:
(nodding, exiting, still doesn't seem all that pleased)
BURNING BUSH:
Oh, and Carolena?
CAROLENA:
(stops, turns around, is a little miffed) Yes?
BURNING BUSH:
You might want to try smiling once in a while. It exercises the muscles of the face, and it makes you look a lot brighter, and prettier.
CAROLENA:
(gives big fake wall-to-wall toothy smile, but then as she turns away the smile becomes warm and real, so glad, so excited to be serving God -- EXITS)
