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Dramas-Skits God of the Impossible Skit
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 11:18AM
God of the Impossible
(man in waiting room, very nervous, flipping through magazine, constantly checking watch)
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(checking watch for millionth time) Oh come on! This is getting ridiculous, the suspense is killing me. (leafs through magazine without really seeing anything) Yeah, yeah, yeah, babies babies babies. Babies are everywhere. (checks watch, sighs) Good night, let's get this show on the road, already. (looks through magazine, checks watch) What, did that doctor slip out to play a few holes of golf? (finally takes watch off and shakes it, holds it to ear, smacks it in palm, checks it again, and finally throws it on the ground and gets ready to stomp on it)
DOC:
(entering) Hello Mr. Believer! Sorry to be a little late, but -- oh, having a little trouble with your watch?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(embarrassed) Oh! No, hello doctor. (retrieving watch) I was just -- uh, umm, just
DOC:
(helpfully) Just giving it the ole Timex test? You know, takes a licking and keeps on ticking?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(snapping to biz) So what about the tests? Do we know what the problem is? Is it me, or Ima's fault? Good news? Bad news?
DOC:
(looks at own watch) You should try Rolex! (looks through file, shaking head, turning back on Believer, shaking head) Hmmmm. Wow! Hmmmm. Oh boy, this is really something!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
What? What is it? Doctor! Tell me! Is it something bad?
DOC:
(looking back, startled, remembering where he is) Huh? Oh, no, um, actually, it's my golf card! I have no idea how it got into your file! (quickly folds and stuffs the card into his pocket) Now, as to YOUR tests. Hmmm. And your wife's tests
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(exasperated) WHAT? Please, tell me? Can we have kids?
DOC:
(snaps folder closed, says in a tone of authority) Forget having children.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
Huh?
DOC:
Ain't gonna happen!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(mouth drops open, stares, begins to argue) But I've changed my diet. I've been taking all those vitamins. And Ima has been taking her prenatals faithfully for the last FIVE YEARS.
DOC:
All a waste of time. Considering YOUR age, and HER age, with the state of her womb and with all your bicycle riding, you're just as likely to win the lotto two times in a row as get pregnant!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
But what about all the fertility drugs you were talking about, and the egg harvesting, and test-tube conception, and mechanical implantation? What about all those scientific bells and whistles?
DOC:
(deadpan) None of that exists, it's all nonsense. A placebo to soothe the masses.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(disbelieving, after a pause) You've got to be . . .joking?
DOC:
Of course I'm joking. (laughs a little, slides up beside Believer and pokes him in ribs) A real stress reliever, huh? But seriously, you try everything, but it all comes down to the same thing. Adoption.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
Adoption?
DOC:
Yes, I'll have my receptionist put a package together. It's about your only choice.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(turning away, very upset, talking to himself) Man! Good night! None of this makes sense. (looks to heaven) What's going on, anyway?
DOC:
(helpfully) Would you like to talk about it, Mr. Believer?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(glances at doctor, then stares out window) Oh, it's just, oh it will sound crazy. But this just isn't the way it's all supposed to happen.
DOC:
(looks puzzled, sits in chair, motions to another chair) Why don't you come sit down and tell me about it? Obviously there's something else going on here that you're not telling me about
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(rubs back of neck, reluctantly joins doctor, sits) Oh. I've just always believed that I was going to have children. (dejectedly) A lot of children. And Ima, too. We thought we were brought together to have kids together. (depressed) We've always believed. It's what our whole lives have been based on. (very sad) But we keep on getting older. And older.
DOC:
It could be you need to take up more hobbies. Take your mind off all this nonsense. Golf is particularly distracting. And soothing. The world is full of people, and there's a surplus of babies out there needing adoption. (pats Believer's knee) Adoption is the answer, my friend.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(shrugs, sighs) Oh, I guess we might consider adoption. Ima already brought up the subject. It would be good. But . . .always . . .I've believed . . .MY children
DOC:
(glances in file) You keep saying "believe." What's THAT all about?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(uncomfortably) Well, I've just always FELT . . .no, KNOWN, that God . . .wants this.
DOC:
(pauses, pen over file, glances between Believer and file) Um. God . . .talks . . .to you?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(nodding) Sure. All the time. He told me not to worry, that we'd be having LOTS of kids.
DOC:
Well, you know, A LOT OF PEOPLE believe God wants something for them. It's a way of justifying our desires. "God wants me to marry this person." "God wants me to have this job." "God wants me to eat a third ice cream sundae!" (looks a little guilty, then smirks) "God wants me to loosen up and play early-morning golf today even if I am late to my appointments!" It's all nonsense. Your age proves it. God never talked to you. God doesn't "WANT" anything from you. Forget it, and think seriously about adoption. And you COULD even consider a surrogate mother?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(uncomfortably) We've gone that route. It . . .worked okay, but it's also started a lot of . . .problems. It didn't quite work out the way we thought it would.
DOC:
Well see there! (glances in file) Yes, so you already have a kid! A son!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
Yes, and I love him very much. But Ima and I --
DOC:
(pats Believer on shoulder) Mr. Believer, trust science, NOT beliefs. Beliefs are fine. Buy a lotto ticket! Buy TWO lotto tickets! That's all the believing you need, and who knows? It could prove a lot more profitable than all these other ridiculous beliefs!
IMA BELIEVER:
(entering, excitedly, sporting a huge pregnant belly) Faithful! Sweetheart! It's wonderful! A miracle! Faithful, sweetheart, God has answered all our prayers!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(jumping up, eyes bugging out) Ima? What in the world?!
IMA BELIEVER:
(beaming) Oh sweetheart, finally after all these years! I feel wonderful! How do I look?
DOC:
(rises slowly, shaking head) This is a joke.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(tentatively puts out hand to touch belly) Is this a pillow? (touches belly, then jerks hand away as if it were hot) IT'S REAL!
IMA BELIEVER:
Of COURSE it's real! What, you think I got hungry and swallowed a basketball?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(laughs excitedly, almost insanely) So it's happened! This is real? God has blessed us?
IMA BELIEVER:
Yes Faithful! God told me: "I am the God of the Impossible! And what I have promised, I make good! And what I promise, IT HAPPENS!"
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(hugs her, kisses her, rubs her belly) I KNEW IT! I ALWAYS KNEW IT! (laughs) God doesn't lie! If He says something, you can believe it! I KNEW IT!
IMA BELIEVER:
(pats him lovingly) Yes dear, you're a real KNOWITALL. (looks at doctor) You can close your mouth now, doctor. Whoops, looks like you might have just caught a fly!
DOC:
(snaps mouth closed audibly, then swallows as if maybe a fly really is going down) But this can't be possible. I just SAW you not more than 10 minutes ago! And you weren't pregnant! (stoops and listens to her belly with stethoscope) My goodness! A heartbeat! You're pregnant!
IMA BELIEVER:
God created the world, the universe. You, me, Faithful -- everyone! What's so shocking about this? It's our baby! All in God's perfect timing!
DOC:
Yeah, but you look like you're (makes a face) SIX MONTHS PREGNANT!
IMA BELIEVER:
Hey, if God can make the sun stand still in the sky, what's so impossible about this? Aren't ALL pregnancies miracles? This is just our own personal miracle.
DOC:
(shrugging helplessly) This isn't scientific at all. But I see that it's true. (looks up to heaven) Okay, you're getting through here, I admit it! (smiles at the Believers) Okay, okay. You got me. (turns to audience) Okay, okay: "I'M . . .A . . .BELIEVER!"
IMA BELIEVER:
No, Doctor. (taps chest, smiling hugely, nodding slowly up and down) IMA BELIEVER!
(they exit, laughing)
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