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Friday, March 6, 2009 at 9:43AM
Until modern contraceptives were invented, most generations believed that it was best to be a virgin at marriage.In the secular world that concept has largely changed. Many, possibly most people, have lost their virginity before they marry. But have they lost more than a token status? Is virginity worthwhile?
Yes it is. Here are a few good reasons.
1. Can't be friends after sex
Psychiatrists claim people usually cannot remain good friends after they stop having sexual intercourse together.
If they don't remain lovers, they must become very distant from each other.
In a close situation such as attending the same school or the same church, this "distant" relationship can conflict with being near each other in classes.
The two former lovers can develop a "hate" relationship as a way of maintaining the "distant" relationship.
An example of this hate after intercourse is Israel's prince Amnon and his affair with his half sister Tamar. After sex,
"his love turned to hate,
and now he hated her
more than he had loved her." -- 1 Samuel 13:15 LB.
So instead of sex building a "love" relationship, it can build a "hate" relationship. If you want to avoid "hate" relationships, avoid sex.
(In a church situation, this hate can drive one of the two people out of the church... out of God's arms... out of eternal life. So teenage sex has cost many people their eternal life.)
2. Loss of special bond
Sexual intercourse is a special bond which holds marriages together. But this bond is weakened if the sex act has not been exclusive between two people.
If either or both have had sex before marriage, the bond which sex gives them is not as strong.
Statistics show that couples who had sex before marriage have higher divorces rates. So if you want to have a strong marriage bond, avoid sex before marriage.
3. It's harder to resist
Once virginity is lost, it is harder to resist the temptation to be promiscuous.
You may be able to resist a particular sexual temptation when you are a virgin. But it can be far more difficult to resist that same temptation after losing your virginity.
Sex is habit forming. You may have a strong feeling of love for the first person you you have sex with. But after that you tend to have sex with people you have far less affection for.
Thus sex ceases to be someting reserved for a close relationship.
4. Bad name is spread around
In some high schools, boys tell other boys which girls have lost their virginity. So boys who want to have a "good time" befriend girls who are not virgins. The girls think the boy likes them, but it's not really so.
Thus, a girl may lose her virginity to someone she loved. But this makes her just a "play thing" for other males.
5. Home alone after sex
In the Old Testament, a newly married husband could not be drafted into the army for 12 months after his marriage. The husband and wife stayed together enjoying the privileges of each other's company. It was so important that even if the country was being invaded, they still had that 12 months for bonding.
Whenever they had sex, the husand and wife usually stayed together until the next sunset. (They were both
"unclean until sunset"
and could not be in the company of other people.) So the sex act was usually followed by a long period of togetherness.
But in teenage sex, couples usually go to separate houses afterwards. So the period of companionship which is meant to be part of the sex act is lost.
When you cannot spend the next day together, you may develop a habit pattern of sex being a brief thrill. It may lose some of its significance.
6. Sex not necessarily love
Some people feel sexual intercourse is a sign of love. They sometimes "give" themselves to a someone to show how much they love them.
However, the other person may not have the same attitude. For them, the sex act is not necessarily a sign of love.
So someone "giving" themselves to show their love is usually making an empty gesture. The gesture is not interpreted that way by the other person.
7. May disqualify for future career
Teenagers having sex may feel it disqualifies them for a future career.
Professions such as medical doctors, social workers and ministers may require times of being alone with members of the opposite sex. If the natural barriers between the sexes are broken down by a history of teenage sex, these situations can be difficult to cope with.
There are frequent cases where medical boards remove a doctor's right to practise for being sexually intimate with patients. And many ministers and social workers lose their jobs because of sexual intimacy.
Promiscous teenagers may feel that because of this risk, they have to avoid these occupations. And that may be a heavy price to pay if that is the occupation you strongly want or are best suited for.
8. Habit can continue after marriage
Teenagers who have intercourse with close friends of the opposite sex before marriage are tempted to continue the habit after marriage.
If before marriage, every time they relate closely to a member of the opposite sex it leads to intercourse, it may continue after marriage.
To stop this temptation, many married people avoid having friendships with people of the opposite sex. Having no close friends of the opposite sex (except your spouse) can be a high price to pay for having had teenage sex.
It can be good to have close non-sexual friends of the opposite sex in your teenage years. It helps develop habit patterns which will let you have non-sexual friends of the opposite sex after marriage.
9. Risk of disease
You can get various serious diseases through sexual intercourse. These include AIDS, herpes, gonorrhoera, syphilis, vaginal warts and even cancer.
It is no fun to be 20 and face a doctor who tells you that you have AIDS or vaginal cancer -- because someone had sex with you.
It's not really worth losing your health (or losing your life) for a night of cheap thrills.
10. Good relationship is not lost
A good man or a good woman has rarely been lost by refusing to have sex. In fact, many men say they have greater respect for a woman who resists having sex. There is still a "mystery" about the woman. There is still "something more" that can be had when the relationship fully blossoms into marriage.
Any partner who threatens to end the relationship if there is no sexual relationship is basically saying there is very little in the relationship.
11. Destroy life-long trust
Having pre-marital sex can reduce trust in marriage.
Sex is a physical act which is part of a mental, physical, social and spiritual relationship. Trust is the heart of that relationship. (Trust is part of the marriage relationship every second of the day. But sex is part of the relationship for only a small part of the time.)
You may never have the complete trust with your spouse which you would have had if you had no pre-marital sex.
If that trust is damaged or weakened, you could be more lonely in marriage. It can increase your loneliness for the rest of your life.
12. Guilt complexes
Having sex before marriage often leads to lying to cover up the fact. This can lead to guilt complexes and insecurity.
People who are totally honest in all that they do can approach everything with a clear mind. They don't always have to be holding back a little -- trying to remember what lie they have told to what person.
Because they have a clear mind, they can approach almost any situation without guilt and insecurity.
13. Degrades sexual partner
One partner may be able to survive pre-marital sex relatively well intact. But it may destroy the other.
Any person having pre-marial sex usually does not consider what damage it may do to the other person. But it may leave them with psychological scars for life.
It may send them on a downward path which could led to a ruined marriage, a ruined life, and a ruined chance of Eternity.
14. Changed emphasis
For many people, the sex act itself is not the great thrill in pre-marital sex. The thrill is the chase that leads to the sex act. This develops the habit that the chase is the important thing.
In marriage, the chase has ended. Yet with a habit pattern formed of wanting the chase, sex in marriage becomes less desirable. The person still wants the chase and may go outside marriage to get it -- thus bring the marriage to an end.
Or if the "chaser" stays faithful in marriage, they may find sex in marriage frustrating. The sex act itself can become unpleasurable.
So enjoyment from pre-marital sex can lead to many years of little or no sexual enjoyment in marriage.
15. Sex without love
Sex without marriage is often sex without love.
God is love. Satan corrupts this love to make the sex act lose its sense of love.
The women's movement, which at first advocated free love, eventually turned against this. Experience taught them it was a hollow joy.
The women's movement now has a strong emphasis against "animalistic" sexual relationships. By experience, the movement's members found that sex needs genuine love to be fulfilling.
It is a mistake to call the pre-marital sex act "making love." Love is often not a part of it. It can be lust. It can be using someone. So it would not be love.
Love is trying to give something. Pre-marital sex is usually trying to get something.
Love is permanent (1 Corinthians 13:13). Pre-marital sex is transitory.
16. Poor guide for marriage partner
Like most things, the more sex you have the better you get at it. So two virgins who marry learn with each other the joys of sex. And they grow better at it -- together.
However, someone who sleeps around before marriage may be tempted to think that a person who is good at sex is the best marriage partner. Not so.
The person best at sex is probably someone who has had a lot of sexual partners. But most of us would recognise that a person with many sexual partners is a poor choice of life companion.
Far better to have a marriage partner with no sexual experience, than one with a large amount of experience.
17. You may get pregnant
One of the main purposes of the sex act is to produce babies. (Too many teenagers forget about that when they have sex.)
An unwanted pregnancy is a high price to pay for a few minutes of fun.
It's not just a high price for the father and mother to pay. It is a high price for the baby. The baby deserves a better, more stable relationship than it can get from a couple of teenagers who don't really want to be married.
18. Sixteen year penalty
In some countries, fathers have to pay for the cost of raising children conceived outside of marriage.
In my country (Australia), a teenage boy who made a girl pregnant could pay for it every week until the baby is 16 years old. About $50-$100 would be deducted from his salary every week to care for this baby.
He may never see the baby or its mother again. But each week the money is automatically taken from his pay envelope before he receives it. Even if he later has his own family, that baby gets its money each week -- in preference to his own family.
It is a cruel thing to do to a wife that you have not even met yet. This future wife will, every week, have to do with $50-$100 less in the paypacket -- because the money is going to raise another woman's child.
This big drop in weekly wages certainly makes a man seem less attractive as a marriage partner.
19. Breaks down family relationship
When they lose their virginity, teenagers usually keep it a secret from their parents. This develops a habit of not telling parents the important things that happen in life.
However, the teenage years are possibly the years when it is most important for children to talk to their parents. If ever there was a time you needed guidance it is in the teenage years.
That is the time when you are doing far more things for yourself, making far more decisions for yourself. So that is when you need to be able to use your parents' wisdom to help you make those decisions.
However, many teenagers do not talk freely to their parents because they have had sex and feel ashamed to tell their parents. (They would probably be better to tell them.)
So a culture develops among teens that you don't talk to your parents about important things. This culture tends to spread to all teens, not just to those who have sex. But pre-marital sex is where a lot of this culture comes from.
We would clearly be better off without it.
20. Less sex in marriage
Here is an amazing statistic.
Married couples who were virgins at marriage have sex much more frequently than married couples who weren't virgins.
Not only do the virgins have sex more often, they have greater pleasure from their sex. In fact, the highest levels of sexual satisfaction ever recorded was in a survey of the wives of trainee ministers.
So by having a few years of sex before marriage, you can get many years of less sex in marriage.
21. Not ready for sex
In one way it may seem most people are physically ready for sex in the early teenage years. But they really aren't.
For example, a girl's hips are not the right shape to hold a baby until later in her teenage years. And many people suggest their minds are not ready for it either.
Girls now reach puberty about five years younger than they did 250 years ago. (Boys probably do too, but we don't have statistics on them.)
This early puberty (probably caused by our modern diet) means that we are physically able to reproduce much younger. But statistics show that about 99 out of every 100 teenage marriages end in divorce. This verifies that we are probably not mentally prepared for marriage relationships in our teenage years.
This lack of mental preparation is also shown by how many babies of teenagers are murdered in their first year of life. Where the mother is under 15, there is seven times more chance of her baby being murdered. And where the mother is under 20 and has had a previous child, there is eleven times more chance of her baby being murdered. (Source: New England Journal of Medicine 1998;339:1211-1216.)
These babies are usually killed by their teenage mothers, fathers, or step-fathers. This shows that teenagers are not yet mentally prepared to cope well with the role of being parents.
22. Miss a stage in life
If we shouldn't have sex in our teenage years, what are we missing out on if we do have it?
In in this age of sophistication, it may be hard to appreciate what it is. But one of the things is naivety.
Strangely enough, there are some things it is better not to know. (It was better for Adam and Eve not to know sin, for example. They may have felt they were sophisticated when they became sinners. But I'll bet they were nicer people beforehand when they were naive.)
There is a beauty in naivety that you may have to be 40 years old to appreciate. But you can experience it while still a teenager. It is a characteristic of being more like God.
23. Abortion risk
A lot of teenage sex ends up in abortions. And that is not pretty.
Girls who have an abortion are often psychologically affected by it for the rest of their lives.
People may justify it with comments like, "It's not really alive." Or "It's my body." However, afterwards there can be a nagging thought that this was murder. And that thought may be hard to live with.
It's not worth having a guilt feeling undermining the rest of your life.
24. Raising a baby alone
Sex produces babies. And what are you going to do with a baby if it comes?
Many teenager try to raise the baby themselves. But they would do a far better job of being a parent if they were 5-10 years older when they had the baby.
And the problem lasts through the whole of life. At every stage of life, the parent is too close in age to the child to have a proper parent-child relationship.
Many girls raise their baby without a husband. That can affect the baby in many ways.
It can, for example, make a baby boy a homosexual. (Statistics show that 90% of homosexual males were raised without an adequate father figure. Most were raised by a mother alone.)
It can also mean the baby is raised in poverty. (Statistics show that far more babies raised by single mothers are raised in poverty.)
25. God says so
For many people, the fact that God says so is an extremely good reason to avoid pre-marital sex.
God made the pieces of machinery that we call the human body. Science is only learning a few of the fascinating things that make it work better. But the God who made it all knows all about making it work better.
God didn't advise against sex before marriage because He wants us to miss out on something good. Quite the opposite. He doesn't want us to miss anything good.
If that is the case then, sex before marriage must not be good -- otherwise why would God want us to miss out on it?
Here's a few Bible verses you may want to think about:
- "The lips of a loose woman drip honey, and her words are smoother than oil. But in the end she's as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a two-edge sword." -- Proverbs 5:4
- "Keep far away from (a loose woman). Do not go near the door of her house. Or... at the end of your life you will groan." -- Proverbs 5:8, 11.
- "I saw among the youth a young man without sense.... A woman came toward him decked out like a prostitute.... With her smooth talk she compeled him. Right away he followed her and went like an ox to the slaughter.... He is like a bird rushing into a trap. He does not know that it will cost him his life." --Proverbs 7:7, 10, 21.
God doesn't want you to be a bird killed in the trap of teenage sex.
Believe by faith
Logically, teenagers cannot know by personal experience that pre-marital sex is unwise without falling into the trap.
Also logically, you cannot know from experience how bad pre-marital sex is until you marry and know what married sex is like.
So experience is not a good teacher when it comes to teenage sex.
However, parents have experience. And experience is why most parents recommend virginity before marriage -- even if they were not virgins at marriage themselves.
There is a big swing against teenage sex at the moment, particularly among boys. In America, 14% more high school boys are now virgins than were high school boys at the start of this decade. This is partly because parents are doing a better job warning their kids about sex before marriage.
Teenagers can only accept the concept that virginity is better by "faith," by believing what they are told. The Bible says,
"The just will live by faith." -- Hab 2:4; Gal 3:11.
This concept does not just refer to salvation. It refers to many of the on-going decisions of life. It is how we are to live. It is only by faith that you can know that many things are so.
If you try to find out about pre-marital sex by experience, you have failed the faith test. You have not trusted the God who knows what is best for you and recommended against pre-marital sex.
Forgiveness still available
Pre-marital sex does not necessarily ruin one's chance of salvation.
Clearly, people who indulge in that lifestyle may find it leading them away from God -- and they may miss out on Eternal Life. But this is not the automatic course.
Christ clearly teaches that those who have indulged in sex outside marriage can be forgiven and will be welcomed into His Kingdom.
In John 8 he refused to condemn a woman caught in the act of adultery. I believe that woman will be in the Kingdom of God. And you can be too.
Read the first 10 verses of that chapter. You'll be inspired.
That same forgiveness that was available to that woman is available to all of us today.
If you have had pre-marital sex, psychologists say you can "re-virginise" yourself. You can be like the woman in John 8. Jesus told her:
-
"Go and sin (have sex) no more." God didn't condemn her. He doesn't want to condemn you either.He wants you to have all the joys that come from sex -- not just the temporary joy of teenage sex.
_______________________________________Author: Phil Ward.
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