todojoven.org

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up."

   

Anne Lamott

Elevator Rules

There are un-written rules that everyone who rides elevators follow whether they know it or not. It's not something that anyone has placed into effect by law. . . . It's just the way things are. . . .

1. When you are waiting for an elevator and there are two sets, the one that is the greatest distance from you will open first.
2. While you are riding the elevator, it is not permissible to look anyone in the eyes. The proper place to stare is at the floor or at the numbers.
3. The person at the very back of the elevator will always be the one who needs off first.
4. If you are on the top floor of a 32 story building and needed to go the 1st floor, the elevator will stop 31 times before you reach the ground.
5. If you get off on the wrong floor and realize it the instant your foot hits the ground outside the elevator, it's much too embarrassing to admit you are wrong, so you stay outside the door and act like you know what you're doing then catch the next one and hope all the people you were with have gotten off.
6. When there are six elevator doors, the one you stand in front of will be the last to open.
7. When the elevator is the most full, one of two people will be on with you: an extremely sick man who coughs constantly and then gets off on the same floor you do, or a lady with a baby that screams through the entire ride.
8. Don't pass gas in an elevator even if you are all alone because when you do, the very next stop will have ten people waiting to get on. It's always best to wait until the elevator is full then no one knows who to blame.
9. If you speak to a stranger in an elevator there will always be nervous laughter.
10. The friendliest person on the elevator that insists on talking to you will always have bad breath and body odor.
11. Elevators force us to be close to people that we would never choose to be around otherwise. If you want a cultural experience, spend a day riding elevators around town.
12. The first person to get on the elevator gets the command position next to the buttons so that they can feel important when people ask them to punch their floor for them.
13. While waiting on an elevator, there will always be one person to comment on how slow the elevator is and then push the up or down button over and over as if that will make it speed up.
14. Once inside the elevator that same person will repeatedly punch the button for their floor thinking that this also will speed up the elevator.
15. On top of the list of the most annoying elevator pet peeves is the parent who will allow their child to push the buttons and then smile at you after the kid has pushed all 26 buttons while you are on the first floor needing to get to the 25th floor. Then at every floor the kid will yell "Is this where we get off?"
16. The floor that is labeled the 1st floor is not really the 1st floor but is in reality the basement. The 1st floor is actually labeled the 2nd floor.
17. If you are not in any hurry, there will always be an empty elevator just waiting with the doors open just for you by yourself.
18. In buildings where smoking is allowed, there will always be one person who insist on taking the last drag off their cigarette putting it out then waiting to exhale until the elevator door closes with you trapped inside.
19. If a child rides the elevator, they will have a balloon that just happens to be at your face level and there is no place to turn. Popping the balloon is a strong temptation.
20. I would rather ride the elevator with people than take the stairs alone!

[ Author Unknown -- from 'Joke du Jour' (JdJ@yahoogroups.com) ]

Country Wisdom

1. Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong
2. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
3. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
4. Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
5. Mortgaging a future crop is saddling a wobbly colt.
6. A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
7. Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
8. Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
9. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
10. Meanness don't happen overnight.
11. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
12. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
13. Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
14. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
15. Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
16. Two can live as cheap as one, if one don't eat.
17. Don't corner something meaner than you.
18. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
19. Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
20. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
21. Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
22. You can't unsay a cruel thing.
23. Every path has some puddles .
24. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
25. And don't name a pig, calf or goat you plan to eat.

[ Author Unknown -- from Harveythefrogprince, via 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]

The Parachute Paradigm

You are one of "two" people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

1. Pessimist:   you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
2. Optimist:   you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
3. Procrastinator:   you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
4. Bureaucrat:   you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
5. Lawyer:   you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
6. Doctor:   you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
7. Sales executive:   you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
8. Internal Revenue Service:   you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
9. Engineer:   you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
10. Scientist:   you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
11. Mathematician:   you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
12. Philosopher:   you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
13. English major:   you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
14. Computer Science:   you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
15. Economics:   you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
16. Psychoanalysis:   you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
17. Drama:   you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
18. Art:   you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
19. Environmentalist:   you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
20. Sports Fan:   you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
21. Auto Mechanic:   as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
22. Surgeon General:   you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
23. Association of Tobacco Growers:   you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.

[ Author Unknown -- from 'Aiken Drum' (AIKENSLongJoke@topica.com) ]

A Christian Daily Devotion on the Joy of Giving:

 

 

 

   

 There are so many everyday objects that can bring us wonderful Christian daily devotions from God! Normally we call these Christian object lessons or Bible object lessons.

For instance, I was so excited today to see a hummingbird come to our feeder. I love to watch them; they are so beautiful and amazing! However, have you ever seen them fight? Around our feeder, there are usually about three, and they certainly do NOT know how to share. They are selfish little creatures! Even today one was sitting on a nearby limb "guarding" the feeder. As soon as another came to drink, it swooped down and attacked, chasing the other away from "its" food. Now, of course, this is part of their nature to survive, but it reminded me afresh that it is definitely not be our nature as followers of Christ. Are we ever like a hummingbird - busy flitting around beautiful on the outside, but only concerned with what we have and can achieve for ourselves? Are we in the mindset of "me,me,me" and "mine,mine,mine" or do we follow the "J.O.Y." principle for priorities in our life - Jesus first, others next, yourself last. I know I need to be reminded of this often, and was so thankful for this Christian daily devotion God brought into my day! :)   Acts 20:35 "In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" 2 Corinthians 9:6-15 "Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."